perfectly imperfect

His Grace overflows :)

2011-07-10T23:45:00.000-07:00

Today, I was thinking about how good the Lord has been.
He has been extremely good, but He has been that much more gracious in the things that I do: teach.

I've been hearing parents and various people telling me that they were thankful to have me as their teacher. I don't say it to brag, if anything, its to explain myself. I don't think I am deserving of those words. If anything, I think back to all the moments, the times when I felt so inadequate and I felt like I was making the wrong choices. In my heart, I'm praying that one way or another that the Lord will cover for me.

And He does more than make-up for my lacking. Instead, He fills up what I lack and further enhances what I do invest and put out there as a teacher.

I won't lie. I do get tired and there are times when I feel like I've exhausted myself and beyond. I have days when I feel like I did not give my best because of my tiredness. But when I look back, there is somehow this magical-ness that happens and my students learn, grow, love. . .

Perhaps this is one of the joys of teaching in His grace.
He blesses beyond what I've asked for.
He stretches and fills in what I feel like I cannot do.

The Lord is good.
All the time.

Letters in my head...

2011-01-22T23:08:00.001-08:00

The faded smile that I found on my thumb after a long day... :)

As I was getting ready for a friend's baby shower, I was drafting up a wonderful letter in my head while I was in the shower. I knew exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. When it came time for me to sit with the card on the table and pen in my hand, it came out NOT in the way that I had wanted to say it. By the time that I had finished my letter, I had left out two key things that I wanted to tell my friend and the wording was NOT what I had imagined for it to be.

Sometimes, I wish the wonderful wording that I had in my heart would just zap itself onto paper. It would also be nice if the letters would walk their way over to the person that it was meant for. That way I wouldn't have letters in my room that I had never sent out.

Trust me. I know.

2011-01-20T21:17:00.001-08:00

She came into the classroom in tears.

"Miss C, did you read my mom's email? I can't go back down to that level. I already passed it! I just can't go back down!"

In my mind, I rolled my eyes. I shushed her away and told her to go back to her seat and to get back to her work.

"Miss C! I can't go back down!"

"Child, I am moving everyone's levels down by a little bit. Trust me. The numbers don't mean much. They just help us to find the right books for you. You can even try out the other books that you skipped over and hadn't had a chance to read yet. You will be okay."

She wasn't listening to me. She was wailing now.
The only thing that mattered to her was what she saw: the numbers. her reading level.

I was annoyed. Peeved. She always wanted things her own way without listening to anyone else.

I glanced over the email that the mother had written to me earlier in the day. She was very short with me and I did not appreciate that. I knew that part of it had to do with her being a mother. A mother may know what's best for their child most of the time...

I know that I am inexperienced as a teacher, but I still feel that I've been watching her child grow as a reader everyday. I know the way that she sounds out words. I know which words she will stumble over. I know how long it will take for her to read a passage. I know her.. as a reader. I wanted the mother and the child to trust me; to trust that I knew what I was doing to nurture this child as a reader.

============================================

I often times feel like that little girl.
Its not fair. I already worked all the way up to this level.
I grew this much! Why am I back tracking?!

But the Lord so patiently knows that I need to go back and do some filling in.
He knows what is best for me, but I don't trust Him in those ways.

Lord, help me not to pout.
I know that I won't understand everything that You're doing.
Your mind is much too greater than what I can comprehend.
Help me to trust You and to be at peace knowing that You really do know me the best.
Because You know me... You know the best ways for me.

Soli deo glori.

PAUSE

2010-10-14T11:43:00.000-07:00

Its painful. So painful in fact that I cry every time I have to apply medicine to where it hurts the most. And I know that the momentary pain is supposed to bring about quicker healing.

It could have been anything else... It started out with the acid reflux. I slowed down, but I didn't stop. There was too much to do. Next came the toe. I slowed down a bit more, but I didn't think it was enough reason for me to slow down.

It could have been a different kind of disease. It could have been a different type of injury. But Lord, You specifically chose this one. The very disease that would take me away from the thing that kept me away from prioritizing my life correctly. My life revolved around it. Them. There. And THIS very pain keeps me away from all that. The more and more I think about it, I know that this isn't an accident.

So I'll soak it in. Amidst the pain, I'll sleep in peace awaiting my silent hot cocoa mornings that will, for now, replace the busy-ness of the classroom.

Although I started this week praying for you to take the pain away, I'll pray for you to fix my heart and that the progress of my physical healing will be a reflection of all that You're healing and correcting inside of my spiritual health.

I trust that You know what You're doing.

A whisper from the Father...

2010-08-26T00:33:00.000-07:00

The busy noise of a cello wafted through the classroom from the CD player as the students buzzed around in their seats as they hastily wrote down the homework for the night.

It was almost time for the bell to ring to indicate the start of class. I tiptoed around the room to peek into the students' planners to see that they were writing the assignments down correctly. A father engaged in an interesting conversation about a students' after school activity here, a mother combing back her son's hair at the very last few seconds over there... and the parents started to find their way to the door.

And her momma... a tall gentle lady, with a simple beauty about her that exuded not from her physical beauty, but from who she was, gently leaned down to whisper her last few words before leaving her child.

"Be a good girl. Always say 'thank you'... *kiss on the head* and be a blessing to all those who are around you."
*kiss on her head*
The girl, had an ever-so-sweet smile on her face.

My heart paused.
"Be a blessing to all those who are around you..." it echoed to leave a tingly excitedness about my day. I took her momma's words to be words for me...

"Yes, Father. I'll try to be.. "
And I couldn't stop myself from smiling.

my surroundings say...

2010-02-05T17:57:00.000-08:00

winter is leaving...
and spring is on its way :)

<3 what a beautiful day <3

:)

So I'll wait...

2010-01-24T01:49:00.000-08:00

We have become a society that finds short-cuts. We're so impatient.
We want what we want NOW.
Fast food? Food-NOW!
Entertainment? Upload-NOW!
Shipping? I want my package-NOW!
Secret? I want to KNOW- NOW!

I wonder...
While reading through the book of Luke with my praise team, we came across a character named Simeon. He was a "righteous and devout" man (Luke 2:25). He was promised that he would see the Lord's Christ. And I imagine this old man having waited years upon years to see this Savior.
And when he FINALLY sees him, this Savior wasn't a full grown man. Christ had yet started ministering nor had he even started saving people. But the words that came from the mouth of Simeon was:

"Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,
you now dismiss your servant in peace.
For my eyes have seen your salvation,
which you have prepared in the sight of all people,
a light for revelation to the Gentiles
and for glory to your people Israel."
(Luke 2:29-32)

They were words of relief and satisfaction. He was satisfied having just seen the savior of the world. He didn't beg or ask God to keep him alive longer to witness Christ saving the world, but he was content with God having shown him the savior, even as a babe.

That is mind blowing.
Would I be willing to wait my WHOLE life for that one moment?
Would I be patient enough to wait and then to be satisfied with what I know and what I've seen?

Its really humbling to see Simeon's encounter with Christ. :)

But for me, I don't want that temporary moment of relief.
I want to see Him. I really do, face to face. And I know that in order to get there...
I'll have to wait. At least just for now. :)

They say this life flies by so quickly.
Come Lord Jesus... come. :)
I'll wait, as impatient as I may be.. I will wait.

my prayer:

2010-01-21T18:25:00.000-08:00

Here before Your alter
I am letting go of all I've held
Of every motive, every burden
Everything that's of myself

And I just want to wait on You, my God
I just want to dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful
Oh, I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, beautiful
Oh Lord You're beautiful to me.

Here in Your presence
I am not afraid of brokenness
To wash Your feet with humble tears
I would be poured out 'til nothing's left

And I just want to wait on You, my God
I just want to dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful...
holy, holy, holy you are..

[kari.jobe.beautiful]

-----------------------------------
---------------------------

You are so worth my life and so much more.
the more I come to know You, the more I come to see how beautiful You really are.
You really are worthy...
thank You that in the midst of brokenness, even in my lowest or even my limited high points, that You use these moments to be glorified.
Who am I that You'd let me, my small life, to be of something so great?
I really am at a loss for words.

Father, thank You.

i have much to learn...

2009-12-21T22:45:00.000-08:00

and from this broken heart...
comes the purest praise.

===========================
Purify this tainted soul
I'm tired of living life a fool
Soften up this hardened clay
To be a servant, this I pray
A reflection of You, I long to be
So Your kingdom I will seek

I surrender to Your throne
Oh, I surrender to Your throne
I will make my heart Your home
Oh, I surrender to Your throne

I've taken things I thought my own
Only to reap what I've sown
You've given back the years I fought
An ending love and grace You've brought
Eternal hope and peace You bring
And forever unto You I will sing

I surrender to Your throne
Oh, I surrender to Your throne
And I will make my heart Your home
Oh, I surrender to Your throne

Forever unto You I will sing
I surrender...
=====================
[surrender.jeremycamp]

healing is pain

2009-11-20T15:26:00.001-08:00

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO SSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDD.
i had so much written about healing and pain!!!!

too angry to post. need to compose my thoughts before rewriting.

oh sigh the sigh.

2009-11-13T04:59:00.001-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

spontaneous meet-up at Wal*mart
unspent weekend
clean room
ready treats
the ability to dance (ability.. not gift. haha)
layers of blankets
heater
glitter

2009-11-12T01:30:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for:

the privilege of praying in His presence
reassurance
best friend :) and our sporadic phone calls throughout the day
My patient Father
the satisfied look on my father's face after finishing his meal at Panera :)
an extra small french baguette for free!
unni and her words of wisdom: its only as big as you make it out to be
opportunities to encourage with words
the gorgeous autumn scenery :)
December and the things to come with it

2009-11-11T00:26:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for:

really good milk tea at Verde
friends who live close-by
best friend :) and her prayers
hope for growth
sanctification and loving gentle rebuke
His word.
things to come in December
29384783297489th chances

2009-11-08T01:51:00.001-08:00

Today I am grateful for:

the ability to cry
the strength to apologize especially when my pride seems to not budge
mornings
this pain.
freedom in Christ and the hope it brings
emotions
good 20 minute talks in an old friend's car
prayer over the phone

2009-11-05T11:28:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

sisters in Christ and being able to enjoy sisterhood even though i might not be blood related to them
encouragement email in the morning
warm sunshine coming through my window
markers and the simple ability to amuse kids with them
books. lots and lots of them
freed thursday night in hopes of finally shopping for my dad's dress shoes
today being a new day

2009-11-03T22:15:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for:

airplanes
Tuesday's -- my resting day :)
laugh-out-loud sessions
news of fruit bearing even years after laboring
my favorite mug full of hot water (yum yum)
good music :)

2009-11-02T22:52:00.000-08:00

Today I am thankful for:

miracles like multiplication of candy
new NIV thinline Bible :) (i lost my first one, oh how I waited for you!)
kindred spirits :)
student who is unaffected by my sternness
sparkly silver star stickers
two piece hand me down suit that made my mom laugh
warm bed on sleep-in days :)

2009-10-31T00:16:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for:

jja jang myun that is 30 minutes away
friends who will make awkward moments comfortable
seeing a familiar face after 15 years
hymns
my grandfather's 84 years of faithfulness
free Starbuck's pastry
praying and studying the word with seester :)

2009-08-05T11:14:00.001-07:00

Today, I'm thankful for people who will remind me who I am.
Who will not settle to see me beat myself up over my insecurities and weaknesses, but rather remind me of some remnants of beauty that remain.
I won't boast about how wonderful I am. I won't take pride in the good either...

but I'll just remember that even in the state that I am, I am loved by someone.
In the messy-ness of my being, in the brokeness and shatteredness of my heart,
that the creator still looks on me with love.

Father,
thank you for your healing hands.
Thank you for second, third, billion chances...
Thank you for friends who will remind me who I am in you, what my worth is because of You.
Thank you for using this pain to draw me closer to you.

I am so ready to go home.

Come soon... please. :) come.

2009-07-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

I have a confession to make.
I slept my day away because I was so utterly miserable.
I was so guilty and ashamed of what I had done that I slept the day away because I didn't want to think about it. Its possibly the worst that I had ever felt.

To know that you've wronged someone and that there is no way to redeem yourself... not even time itself, is one of the worst feelings in the world. But that's because my eyes are on me and what my shortcomings and my flaws are. If only I knew that there was a way to restore the trust that was just broken and lost, I don't think that I would be as miserable.

Honestly, why am I so stupid? I hate that my emotions overcame my rational.

i want to run away.

i took his quarter

2009-07-02T16:28:00.000-07:00

I was driving home after tutoring. I needed to get off of the lane that was leading me straight to the 73 (a toll road), but there was a car that would not drive faster/slower to leave room for me to change lanes. I ended up taking the 73 and took the nearest exit to drive back down to an exit where I could drive home.

But I had forgotten that this particular route would not lead me to the exit that I wanted to take. In fact, it "skipped" the exit that I needed to take. I ended up having to drive down a bit to the next exit at which I had to pay.

They only took cash/change for the toll payments. They even had a machine that exchanged bills for coins. But I had used up all of my cash to put onto a copy-card at school earlier today. I had nothing on me except useless credit cards. I needed to pay NOW or else...

FINE:
$47.51

Its such an odd amount to be fined. They could have rounded it off to $50.00 or even $47.50 would have been more reasonable. But I digress.

I took out the pennies, quarter, nickel, and dimes that I had in my wallet and poured it into the machine. The machine didn't even specify how much I owed. It just said amount to pay: 00.00
But when I started putting in the money, the numbers started to come up:

$00.50

Luckily, I found a quarter on the floor:
$00.25

A quarter?! But I have no more coins! I have nothing more to add into the machine.. where am I going to find a quarter?

There was a black beaten up sports car waiting behind me. (oh no) I figured maybe this man has another quarter.. I went up to his window. I came to face a man with rugged features. It looked as though he hadn't shaved, or perhaps he thought that it looked cool. He didn't seem like someone who had a whole lot. He actually looked a bit intimidating.

Desperately, I asked if he had another quarter. He pulled up a dollar bill and told me that that was all that he had. I told him that the machine only takes coins, but that there was a machine that exchanges dollar bills for quarters. He went up to the machine with me and exchanged it for quarters. He asked me how much I had put it in there, and I honestly didn't remember.

"I think, like, 50 cents? " I told him.
He just dropped a quarter in there and told me that I should drive through.
The light turned green, I hopped in the car, and drove.
I felt horrible for leaving him behind. I didn't even know if he had enough money to go through. I pulled my car off to the side with my emergency lights on. I asked him how much he owed...
I looked at the sign:

$00.25

I FELT SOOOOO BAD!!! I TOOK HIS QUARTER!!!!!
I apologized repeatedly and he told me not to feel bad about it...
After a 5 second pause, he looked to me and asked, "Do you have a quarter?"
I told him that I would search my car for one.

I looked through the glove compartments, the ground, the bottom of my car, my cup holders, my backpack, the bottom of my purse, the trunk... and there was not even a quarter to be seen. I ran back to his car window to give him the bad news. I didn't have anything. Not even a penny for him.

I asked him if he needed to be anywhere soon 'cause then I would try to get a quarter and bring it back to him if he was willing to wait. He took a look at the signpost about the fine. He looked back at me and told me that he'd be paying for the fine. I offered to pay for it or to even half it.. but he told me that he'd just pay for all of it.

And with that, a mere stranger showed me kindness and grace.
I was supposed to pay the $47.51. But now its not on my account that the fine needs to be paid. He had the sufficiency, but because he took it on himself to pay for whatever I was short of, it is now for him to be indebt and to pay the price of his shortcoming.

The whole ride home, I was reminded of God's grace. How I fell so short, yet though I did nothing to merit this man's grace, it was in His power and it was with His compassion that He chose to make me whole. My shortcoming was placed on His son so that I would not have to face the greatest consequence: death.

7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die.
8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!
[Romans 5:7-9]

its the small things... :)

2009-06-29T19:43:00.001-07:00

I came back home today and I received a thank you note from a wedding that I attended recently. It was hand-written and it just made me so happy! There's just something more meaningful and special about things that are hand-written...

:) it makes me smile.

perfectly imperfect

His Grace overflows :)

Letters in my head...

Trust me. I know.

*PAUSE*

A whisper from the Father...

my surroundings say...

So I'll wait...

my prayer:

healing is pain

i took his quarter

its the small things... :)

PAUSE